History men and the Coca-Cola hater - Wk8 (+ Clásico preview)

     Week eight didn't see too much change at either the top or the bottom of the table, the only shock - although it was a proper shock - was Valencia losing away to Deportivo. Though to be fair they did keep up their knack of being involved in games featuring three goals. The real action is to be awaited next week, with the arrival of the first Clásico of the season at the Bernabéu. Luis Suárez will expect to feature for the first time in La Liga, Messi will hope to finally equal - or beat - Telmo Zarra's all-time La Liga goalscoring record, and CR7 will aim to extend his ridiculous run of goals.
     But before all that, there was some league action to get out of the way. Barcelona eventually beat Eibar 3-0 but made heavier work of the game than they would have either wanted or expected against a resolute defence thanks to some poor finishing, and could have in fact gone in behind at the break after Ander Capa rounded Claudio Bravo only to inexplicably pull his finish wide of the unguarded net. The opening goal, when it came on the hour mark, was not scored by Messi but made by him, a delicately balanced pass dissecting the five-man defence and leaving Xavi with the task of lifting it over the 'keeper. Neymar then made the man between the sticks look very foolish thanks to his well-struck volley before history-man Messi scored his 250th Primera División

All-time top scorers; one behind Zarra

goal almost straight from kickoff. It was a typical Messi strike as he cavorted with tiny, whirling legs like a cartoon mouse through the fringes of the defence before playing a neat one-two with his strike partner and unerringly burying the ball in the far post. Nonetheless, the little man also showed a side of his characted hinted at previously by former manager Pep Guardiola, later refusing Luis Enrique's instructions to come off. This is the side of the man many in the #teamMessi camp try to gloss over, arguing that Ronaldo is the only selfish, petulant one. Books and their covers.
     For his part, CR7 continued his phenomenal scoring run, notching his 14th and 15th of the season in the 5-0 win at Levante - the first a penalty at a nice height that the 'keeper should have done better with, and the second coming just after the hour mark. Between these, Chicharito scored his third goal in all-white via the crossbar with a horribly mis-hit header, followed by James Rodríguez, with a fabulous chest and volley, and Isco making their marks. I don't know what goes on in the Madrid changing room (though unluckily I have a furtive imagination), but I reckon Ronaldo will not have been happy with Isco for planting the ball into the top corner from the edge of the box instead of passing to the unmarked Portuguese goal-eater to his right. No matter, CR7 still beat a 71-year record with his 15 goals in seven games averaging 2.14 per match, better than Esteban Echevarria's 14 in seven way back in 1943. The exciting thing, apart from being bang on form at exactly the right time, is that CR7 could well be on his way to beating Messi's record of 50 league goals in a season, barring injury. To be fair, he's never even injured anymore anyway.
     Real's victory moved them up to third thanks to Valencia's massive slip-up and first defeat of the season at the Riazor. This really was one game where the form book was well and truly ripped up. Los Che were looking good, hanging onto the shirttails of Barcelona in the Champions League spots atop the Primera División and had only dropped points twice all season, whereas Depor's solitary victory of the season came against fellow promoted side Eibar back in Week 3. The opening goal was freaky - not to be confused with the Spanish friki. Less than a month after scoring his first goal as a professional, José Gayá chalked up his first own-goal on Sunday. A devilish corner was bearded

Do not show this
to Lucas Pérez

into the box by Haris Medunjanin and headed goalwards only for the unfortunate left-back on the post to knock it just over the line with his arm after it rebounded off the inside of the stanchion. Well spotted by the linesman too, might I add. Coca-Cola hater Lucas Pérez doubled Depor's lead before halftime by racing onto a flick-on before finishing from an unseemly angle. He proceeded to demonstrate his distaste for sugary carbo-drinks by kicking the nearest Coca-Cola sign. He'd have kicked them all, given half the chance, but sanity prevailed and he went to celebrate with the fans - or at least those drinking water or orange juice. The rout was completed ten minutes from time when Toché scampered onto a beautiful through-ball to fire straight through hapless 'keeper Yoel. Luckily, by this time Pérez had been subbed off for former king Juan Carlos, and so the fans in the stands were able to triumphantly gambol about with their cans of fizzy pop, emptying them all over each other and generally creating a sticky mess. Which is why Pérez hates the stuff with such a passion in the first place.
     Sevilla managed to stay within touching distance of Barcelona courtesy of a professional win away at Elche. From just three shots on target all game against their determined hosts, Unai Emery's troops managed to bag two goals. After some pinballing around the area from a reasonably aimless freekick, Carlos 'wacky' Bacca bundled the ball over the line for the opener just before an hour had been played, with his teammates then strangely dissipating to the four separate corners of the ground to celebrate. Curious. Kévin Gameiro then made the points secure when he headed in Denis Suárez' cross just over ten minutes later, and I can happily report that the players celebrated in a more traditional manner, encroaching on their goalgetting teammate rather than running away as fast as possible. I dunno, maybe Bacca gets all Luiz Suárez-y after scoring? Who indeed can say.
     Atlético Madrid got back on track after their defeat to Valencia last time out by reverting to their original tried-and-trusted gameplan, eventually ousting Espanyol 2-0 at home. After 274 successive corners were cut out at the near post, the champions utterly bamboozled the defence with a short corner routine. Which didn't work. However, when the ball inevitably popped out of the area again it was duly slung straight back in, where Tiago rose highest to head the ball back across 'keeper Casilla (no 's') and into the bottom corner. Much huff was huffed and much puff puffed before Atleti managed to double their league in the 71st minute. Yet another corner led to much gnashing of teeth in the box before José Giménez smacked a header across goal. It may have been about to cross the line for the Uruguayan's first Atleti goal, but hometown kid Mario Suárez gleefully nipped in and took credit. Twelve Atleti players have now scored this season, so it appears they're all taking on the burden of replacing Diego Costa's goals.
     Real Sociedad's winless streak now stretches back a whole six weeks after they were defeated at home by Getafe, with a lot of help from their Star Wars star. Sociedad thought they had stolen a

Two goals for this fella

late winner thanks to youngster Pablo Hervías' first senior goal in the 82nd minute, but were cruelly denied any points whatsoever courtesy of two late, late goals from that little green man Yoda. First goal scored right on the cusp of 90, was. Calm finish too, it was, while second followed in third minute of three added on, much thanks to Sammir skill. Almería's uncertain form continued on the road at El Madrigal, where Ikechukwu Uche's second and third goals of the season for El Submarino Amarillo did for them. The goals were scored from a cumulative distance of about five yards, and he came very close to fucking up the second one completely, getting very lucky for the ball to bounce straight back to him off the 'keeper. Athletic Bilbao's European headaches continue as, even though they're one of the teams available on the demo of Pro Evolution Soccer '15, they remain winless in the league since Week 2. Things seemed to be looking up for the Basques when they took an early lead against Celta Vigo through an Aritz Aduriz penalty after a spot kick was awarded rather harshly for handball against former Barcelona yute Sergi Gómez. However, Celta Vigo have goal threats of their own, and they managed to haul themselves level when Nolito calmly tucked the ball into the corner of the net from inside the area, making it look far more straightforward than it actually was. The first game of the weekend was also the one which saw the fewest goals scored, as Granada eventually succumbed at home to Rayo Vallecano - the Madrid side collecting all three points in the 93rd minute through a strike from that "40-goal a season" wonder-forward Manucho. With his first goal for the club.
     And so attention turns to the first "Biggest Match in the World" of the season, with Barcelona visiting the Bernabéu on Saturday evening. The mad, mad goal spree Ronaldo's on comes face to face with Claudio Bravo, who is still yet to concede a solitary goal this season, while Toni Kroos, James Rodríguez, Ivan Rakitic, Jérémy Mathieu and Luis Suárez are all set to join the Barcelona 'keeper in experiencing their first taste of Clásico action. In good news for the home side, Ancelotti

More of this to come on Sat, no doubt

has confirmed that both Pepe and Sergio Ramos are fit to start at the base of the team, his eyebrow tapping out in Morse code to let the gathered reporters know he has already picked his line-up for Saturday's festivities. He didn't divulge any more, but Bale will almost definitely miss out after damaging an arse muscle - Lord only knows what monkey man's been up to. He'll almost definitely be replaced, as in the midweek stroll at Anfield, by Isco. The Andalucian looked on top form against Liverpool and will hope to keep that going into the biggest game of the season so far, although he could possibly be overlooked in favour of a more defensively-minded player. Ancelotti conceded both teams are far stronger in attack than defence and maintained that whoever attacks best will win, though his eyebrow piped up again to question why the game is kicking off at 6pm (local time), when "most people are still in the park". Methinks he's got a bit of an old-fashioned view of what people are up to. I mean kids don't even go outside any more or climb trees, do they? All with their flipping Gameboys and Tamagotchis...
     His opposite number will no doubt receive a 'warm' welcome from the partisan home crowd, with a lot of the build-up in the week focusing on 'turncoat' Luis Enrique. The main dilemma facing the former Madrid midfielder appears to be the decision whether to start with Luis Suárez or not. Messi and Neymar have finally hit it off on the pitch after a whole season playing together and the manager may be wary of introducing a new element, no matter how talented, immediately for such a big occasion. In addition, the little scrote's seriously short on game-time. On the other hand, the

All should play some part,
apart from the injured monkey boy

fact that the ratty striker hasn't played a proper game for the team yet could well play into Enrique's hands as Real Madrid won't be able to count on any scouting of how his team might line up, or what patterns of play will be employed. As here in the UK, the Spanish bookies are enjoying themselves with the return of Suárez, offering odds on who the peckish Uruguayan might nibble on first. Shortest odds, of course, are on him biting Ramos and Pepe - though I'm sure a great many attackers would admit they'd like to do the same after playing those two. Messi will surpass Telmo Zarra's all-time Primera División goalscoring record if he scores twice on Saturday, and Iniesta has said he'd "love to see the Bernabéu's reaction" if the Argentine were to achieve that feat.
     No matter what, it's sure not to be a boring game (I just pray I haven't jinxed it by saying that). So enjoy! Even if you do miss the first 15 minutes if tuning in on SkySports...

Footballer Cockney Rhyming Slang

Wayne (Bridge):
meaning;   an appliance in which foodstuffs are kept cool
example;   "Anyone need a fresh beer from the Wayne? I'm heading into the kitchen anyway."

Mark (Gower): although David can also be used on occasion
meaning;   a cubicle or bath in which a person stands under a spray of water to be washed
example;   "I'm well fucking muddy after that match. A quick Mark and I'm back off down the pub."